I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
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Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.