I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
You Might Also Like
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
finally
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*