I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
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“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person