I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
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I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
What flavor cupcake are these
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*