I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
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If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency
I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.