I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
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My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Finally, an instrument I can play!
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago