I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
You Might Also Like
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding