Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?

*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*

You crazy? Security will hear us

Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?

NOTHING

Security: ALRIGHT

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

[driving]

Me: I don’t know where we are.

3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.

Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!

Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!

Cowboy: I uh

Spider-Man: Go on!

Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.

And they marry each other.

Milk Cube

my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

This makes total sense…

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-