Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

new year update: losing everything but weight

A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

my one true gender

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

seems like a niche market