I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
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M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
SQUARREL
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*