I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
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He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving, I will not break this cycle
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”