@Tmoney68

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

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@SlabBaconBP

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

@SamuelHLowe

– You pay more attention to the TV than you do me!
– Ma’am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?

@markedly

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

@IanDunt

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

@TheMichaelRock

You think 70 degrees yesterday and snow today is funny, Mother Nature?

*empties 326 cans of hairspray outside*

Knock that shit off!

@ericsshadow

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.

@CornOnTheGoblin

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

@Inconsteveable

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

@daplusk

Sometimes late at night in bed i wonder what life choices do i have to make to be the guy who says ‘yeah’ in the background of hip hop songs