I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
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Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you