I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
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Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home