I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
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son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.