I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
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hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
mom gave me mine for free
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.