I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
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Look, I respect the skill. But no.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?