Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed

We made a comic about a space heater.

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

i really liked this one

It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me

Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas

All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.

A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about