I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
You Might Also Like
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Meow
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes