I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
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me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them