Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.

My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.

Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs

Judge: And that you killed a man

Me: put a gun against his head

Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead

Judge: mama

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?

Me: Setting fire to the house?

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

Me: *cutting fingernails*

Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday

DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.

Me: I am mad.

DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.

Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.