Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it

-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.

*flies away with my broom*

Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?

Because I didn’t.