I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
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haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
this site is so cooked lol
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
the three genders
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole