Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
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Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.