I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
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I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”