@RunOldMan

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

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@ThaJawn

To whoever hacked all the Yahoo accounts, please email me my Myspace login info. It’s in there somewhere…

@ehdannyboy

“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.

@JodingersCat

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

@CruisinSoozan

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

@TheAndrewNadeau

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

@IanKarmel

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

@AndLookPretty

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.

@HatfieldAnne

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

@Angibangie

My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.

@e4moji

[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*