I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

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To whoever hacked all the Yahoo accounts, please email me my Myspace login info. It’s in there somewhere…


“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.


Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal


I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.


The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.


Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.


My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.


[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.


My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.


[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*