I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
my name if I was in the mob
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Monday Lisa
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:
“Riot”
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
