I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
titanic
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
