I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
