I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
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Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
This is my bus stop.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
A robber walks into a bank with a glue gun
And shouts “This is a stick-up!”
This is true.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.