Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

Saturday

It still works 🤷🏼‍♀️

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.

Follow me for more life hacks.

In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.

The game has officially changed 😎

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock