Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids

Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

My son’s blood type is parmesan.

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly

rapatouille

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

[polygraph test]

Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?

Me: Committed, or been caught?

Tester: …

Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.

*needle goes crazy*

Me: I need a vacation by myself.

Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

a lot to unpack here

Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there

When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.