My superpower is my ability to spell ‘banana’ without any help from Gwen Stefani
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
You Might Also Like
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Passwords are more important than ever.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones