I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
You Might Also Like
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
i- i did not expect this
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I have never related to anyone more.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?