@BarryVonAwesome

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

You Might Also Like

@DaddyJew

My superpower is my ability to spell ‘banana’ without any help from Gwen Stefani

@Browtweaten

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

@offbeatoliv

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…

@ahuj9

Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.

@MyNameIsArchaic

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

@3sunzzz

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

@SavoirFail

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

@ch000ch

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

@MNateShyamalan

Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones