Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.

Librarian: Nice try, pal.

MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”

was Jim off killing horses or…

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

monday

next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me

Peach Farmer: sure

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free

Peach Farmer: well just hold on now

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

Hello Twits.