Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.

Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.

Me: I just heard a noise

WebMD: Cancer

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels

After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

Moms. The original autocorrect.

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.

Horrifying if literal: arm candy

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left

God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.

*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away

Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.