Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.

Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.