I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
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How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I’m being attacked 😭
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
the prophecies have been fulfilled
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.