Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.

some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe

good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

*pronounces surface like Versace*

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*

Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

I weigh at least 17 squirrels

I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

[about to climb Mt. Everest]

Me: omg is there no parking ?

Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory

Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.