I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
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Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
Good morning
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.