I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
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Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious