I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
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Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth