I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
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That de-escalated quickly
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”