Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

I started at the bottom and worked my way down.

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

And then Satan said “water down the gravy”

Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana

Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.

AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?

ME: No, I was happy with my first try.

happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot