I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
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Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded