Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination

You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.

-me flirting

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.

If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.

No, YOU’RE a child!

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.

The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.