Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth

I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.

It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.

[my gf actually turns into a worm]

me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you

my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”

And then Security had to escort me.

I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”

– The Swiss Army

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.