Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

March 16

[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time

I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.

It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.

god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing

Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.

I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.

Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.

She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”