Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”

Me on my first day as a mortician

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]

I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?