Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]

WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle

While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

🎉🥳

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case

[Before the post office was invented]

SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document

PIGEON: *simply existing*

SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy

Me: Can I use it for my socials?

Mugshot Photographer: No.

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

spot the difference

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.