I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
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I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
😲 WTF? 😆
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
Beauty and the Beast
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.