I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
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It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?