I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
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There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy