I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
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According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Multitask? I can barely unitask
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.