I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
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banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Try and stop me.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.