[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
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Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Friday night party time 🥳
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I gave up going to work for lent.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today