i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
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NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
War & Peace
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it