Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I

At least my masseuse has my back.

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.

Her: Oh, you don’t drink?

Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…

“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”

[Massive thud]

“I’ll just check.”

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.

[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.

Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??

Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.