i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
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Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Friday night party time 🥳
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.