I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
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I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Meme Monday.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
May your day taste like creamy soup.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue