I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
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NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.