I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
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Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
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Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.