Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

Dance like no one’s going to press charges.

Every haunted house movie:

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

repaired

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?

me: i gotta fight you for them?

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”

GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”

Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.