Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

Lucky for them, they’re cute

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”

NOW tell her you’re a magician.

GOD: They scared enough?

ANGEL: Not yet

GOD: You got Trump running?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Hurricane?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”

*Maniacal stare*

“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”

“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”