Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?

Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

[Wedding day]

Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?

Me: Well THIS is awkward

Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”

Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?

Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

*On date*

Her: hey, how are you?

Me: yeah really g..

BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one

Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.