Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.

Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food

Priorities

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common

MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

[Breaking up]

It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.