I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
You Might Also Like
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
The three genders.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
wait.
