I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
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Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I have a black belt in leather
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶