I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
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Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
If you breakdance you buy dance.