Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.

This guy gets it.

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though

food blogger:

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows

Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.