“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
![]()
![]()
![]()
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”![]()
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Breaking news:
![]()
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”