“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
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Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
reviewed some movies recently
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
