Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food

What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?

Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks

IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.

Oh wait I made them too.

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

*frowns in Scottish*

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*