I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
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Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
🤯🤯🤯
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.