I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
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God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Truth
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
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Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.