Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema

*watching husband sleep*

Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”

*husband snores*

Me: “I can’t live like this.”

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash

date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders

banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!

those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.

It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.