Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”

My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.

Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that

Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today

I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail

Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?

No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.

[GOD CREATING BEES]

G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry

they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

You Tolkien to me?

Hobbit de Niro.

#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?