I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
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Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
decorating my apartment
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
My typo game is string.