@MakesYouGiggle

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?

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@Token_Geezer

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for. nnNow, I don’t even walk into the right room

@robfee

The prequel to 16 & Pregnant could be called “15 & Fully Trusted By Her Parents to Make Good Decisions, We Love You Brittani.”

@aksorojas

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

@NourHadidi

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

@gingerfaced

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

@lilgapeach32

Really not sure why people tell me to “be honest” then get all upset when I tell them their eyebrows need a divorce.
*shrugs*

@HomeProbably

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

@SammySkinns

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.