I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
im all 3
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.