I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
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they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.