Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

date: omg !!!!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

*has no idea what a book even is*

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.