I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
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You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.